Just....Be Still

     Sometimes we just need to be still….  When you are in a space of frustration, anger, or disappointment and your thoughts are all over the place, be still.  It’s normal to want instant revenge or want someone to JUST UNDERSTAND, …it truly is.  The “I need him/her to know , that I know, that he knows” is an endless battle.  Why?  Because any person with half an ounce of intelligence ALREADY knows when he/she is behaving badly…your attempts at proving it is a waste of your energy.  

     I can remember wanting so badly to shout out to the world my innocence in a situation, only to realize it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  I am who I am.  When someone chooses to believe and spread negative information, that speaks on THAT person and what’s going on with him/her, it’s not about you.    

     So, what do you do?  Take a deep breath….and be still.  The universe has a way of working things out.  And you won’t have to spend even a millisecond of your precious time here on negative thoughts and/or deeds.  Sometimes this can be hard but you can get through it…trust me on this one.  Your mind and spirit will be better for it!

"Nice" Guys Finishing Last... or Are They Not Really That Nice?

     They say that nice guys finish last becasue there are some women out there making the statement "he was too nice" or something similar to that effect. Folks get upset when this is said but are these women really talking about truly "nice' guys or are they simply using the (wrong) word "nice" to describe "wimpy" or "spineless" guys? Guys with no leadership? Can they truly be saying I don't want a guy who treats me well? hmmm....

 

     Well, all I know is, when I meet an adamant self-proclaimed "nice guy", he usually has multiple issues with asserting authority,  having accountability, lacks leadership, has major stalker potential, and other traits that makes females proceed with extreme caution and/or not at all. 

 

What do you think?  Am I wrong on this one??

Navigating Online Dating (Mini-series, episode 4)

“How to Know if Online Dating is for You”

     Hey y’all, I’m back!  So, this post will be “How to Know if Online Dating is for You!”.  Yeah, that’s right..it’s NOT for everyone who wants to try it out.  Certain personalities will not be able to handle the ins and outs of online dating and will, more likely than not, end up a very damaged individual.  Not because of others, but because of themselves! So, I will now attempt to list a few character traits I would definitely advise against trying the online dating scene.  This list shouldn’t be long but it will be informative!  Let’s get started…

1.       If you are more insecure than normal.  How do you gauge this?  If you believe someone you contact online should only have conversations with you before any commitment has been verbalized OR if you get upset and angry because he/she is chatting with other men/women, then online dating is NOT for you!  You see, the purpose of online dating is to MEET NEW PEOPLE!  If you meet someone on the street and only had a few conversations with them, you wouldn’t expect them to not speak to anyone else just because he spoke to you, right?  Even if you feel as if there's a special vibe going on, when online dating, your options should always remain open up and until you and the individual make and agree to the desire of exclusivity.

2.       You are too naïve without any discernment.  Folks lie. Period.  If you can’t discern a possible lie or are not able to read between the lines, this online thing is NOT for you!  There are many people online just waiting for someone too naïve to question logic.  If you feel it’s ok to give a stranger you’ve only spoken to over the phone or seen a few times, your money….you’re too naïve. You will be taken advantage of, money will be flim-flammed from you, you will be a victim of some form.  Point blank. Period.  

3.       Your self-esteem is missing in action.  If you feel the only way to get attention is to post pictures of yourself naked/half naked or that you need to pose in some over-rated playboy stance, this online thing isn’t for you either.  Low self-esteem can be spotted by predators a mile and a half away.  Showing your ass isn’t being “daring” or “hot”, it’s a visual of total low self-esteem because when in the process of trying to put your best self forward, and you feel your best asset is your butt, boobs, tongue…you are lost.  And it shows.  And you should probably get a little life coaching, counseling, or just grow up.  Just as the naïve person will be taken advantage of, so will you.  In the worse way.   

4.       You take things too personally.  With the online positive of “more fish in the sea”, online dating also comes with the “more people to NOT be compatible with” quotient.  Every person you’re interested in will NOT be interested in you.  Some will NOT call you back.  Some will NOT respond to you at all.  Some will actually say, “You’re not what I’m looking for”.  Be ok with that; everyone isn’t made for everyone.  Next!

5.      My final piece of advice to know if you are online dating material is this… If you are desperate for a mate.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to meet someone to date, start a relationship with, share your life with…what I’m saying if you are DESPERATE for that someone, you will be hurt unnecessarily.  Know that you are WORTHY.  Know that you don’t have to settle for just anything/one.  Know that, when it’s right, it will happen naturally.  It won’t be forced, you won’t have to second guess yourself, you won’t have to question it.  It will happen.

     Ok, if after reading this you still feel you are safe, then ‘gwon out there child and HAVE FUN!  But also be safe, discerning, and smart!!  ~Toodles!!

Navigating Online Dating, (Mini-series, episode 3)

“How to Spot the Married Folks”

     Ok y’all, this one is going to be a little trickier.  But once you become aware of a few of the “signs”, it will be almost instinctual!  So, as I said in the previous episodes, online dating has all kinds of folks on, just like there are all kinds of folks in the “real world”.  And amongst those folks are the “Creepers”, “Sneakers”, and all the other names used to describe married folks acting single…this will also include those guys that are in live-in type relationships.  I know it used to be easy to spot these people because if you weren’t given a phone number, then you’d assume.  Today, with all of the cell phones and undercover “business” phones, giving out phone numbers is no longer the indicator.  So pay attention now!

1.        If every time you call, he is always on the move, i.e. driving somewhere, having to run out real quick, etc… and after that “run” he hits you with, “Hey, let me call you back”.... he’s probably living with someone.  And that someone could be a wife or a girlfriend.   Mind you, every once in a while, he may speak with you while he’s in the house but if that time is always during the work day or at the same time EVERY time, it’s because wifey works during those hours , so be very aware of the times you speak with him!

2.       If you’ve been communicating for several weeks and he hasn’t even tried to get you to his place, NOT saying you should be going anywhere secluded before you’re comfortable, but a dude will want to show you his space if he’s interested…even if it’s just to get you on his turf.  If that hasn’t happened and all is going well, within a couple/three months, he’s living with someone and/or married.

3.       If he can only meet you on YOUR side of town…..then, he’s in a relationship on HIS side of town.

4.       SUDDEN broken dates….  If he’s making but then, at the last minute, breaking dates, the other woman or wifey has placed last minute dibs on his time on that end.  ..lol…the worse excuse I’ve “heard” was, “Oh, I had a serious allergic reaction and have to go to the hospital”….  The reason “heard” is in quotes is because this came over a text!  What kind of idiot takes the time it takes to text in the midst of an emergency that requires hospitalization??  Even a phone call would have been less timely and less suspicious.

5.       If he can only meet with you during normal work hours…. He’s creeping.

6.       And the last tip for this is:  Check Him Out!  I’m not necessarily saying do a full investigation on anyone (save a little bit of the mystery!) but at minimum, do a Facebook search!  If he’s smart, he will “block” you so you can’t see him on social media but, you are smarter!  Borrow that trusted girlfriend’s computer, under her Facebook page, and look him up!  There will you find all kinds of lovey-dovey pictures of him and wifey…and unfortunately, she doesn’t have a clue he’s on an online dating site.  If he’s a true dog, you’ll be able to tell by HER posts on his page….if she responds after EVERY remark another female makes to even give the simplest of comments, she doesn’t really trust him and knows he’s a dog.  Ex.  A friend of his compliments his newly posted picture, but wifey/girlfriend immediately responds back for him with, “Yes, he looks like that when he’s thinking of me!”  …as Neyo says….She Knows.   

      Ok, dear Readers, I’m going to leave you with those few tips on how to recognize a married and/or otherwise “committed” man on online dating sites  These are not the only signs so you must stay on your Ps and Qs!  And do be careful out there! 

Next episode:  “How To Know if Online Dating is for You!”

Navigating Online Dating (Mini-series, episode 2)

“What that Profile is REALLY Saying!” 

     This post will give a few hints about online dating profiles and how to interpret what they are REALLY saying.  **I may use the masculine pronoun but please know these rules apply to women as well!

     Profiles are the self- descriptions folks use to let you know all about them…supposedly.  And yes, once again, folks lie.  Or what they are really saying is hidden behind the words.  The following are a few signs to look out for when perusing people’s online dating profiles.  In this mini-series, you will also learn how NOT to write your own.  In fact, I can write a profile that will almost guarantee you will get at least 50% more POSITIVE hits than you currently are now, but that’s for later! Heehee!

Back to the tips…

1.        If a person starts his profile off with disclaimers, those very same disclaimers will manifest an issue within HIM eventually.  Example, if the profile says something to the effect of, “And if you are too stuck up or have a nasty attitude, stay away!”  ..Now, you may say, ok, that’s innocent enough, he’s just putting his preference out there”, HOWEVER, one reason a person gives disclaimers is because he has experienced this type of behavior SEVERAL times in the past.  Meaning, HE is doing something to make folks think they can get away with this behavior.  If the disclaimer speaks on “being stuck up”, it’s more than likely because someone didn’t want to “match” with him and he got upset (aka HIS issue)…in fact, SEVERAL someones.  Now, I can see if this happened a couple times, but putting out a disclaimer usually means more than two times.  Last example, if the disclaimer is “And before any guys try to holla at me, I’m not gay!”… uh huh, you get the picture.  

2.       When a person goes through great details to list all of his material things, he’s using “bling” as bait.  If that’s ok with you, go for it, but I can almost guarantee, somewhere in his profile, he will have a disclaimer about women using him for his money.

3.       I don’t know about you, but I would proceed very cautiously around a profile with MULTIPLE misspelled words and very bad grammar.  Enough said on that.  

4.       When you read the profile that says, “I’m a humble man, trying to make it in this world” or “I may not be there yet but I’m getting there” or something similar, that reads “No car, no job, and no home ownership”.   I’m not saying someone has to have a banging car, a large home and a nice back account but, at least at the age I’m at, he needs to have something to drive, a job to go to and a place to live…outside of his mama’s house!

5.       If the profile says, “Email me and I’ll tell you more”...and nothing else, that’s either a scam to get money out of you by talking to you off the site but via email OR it’s an undercover married man.  And I can bet there’s not going to be a picture on the profile either.  

6.       If you’re on a site where you can see “friends” of the person you’re interested in, check his friends list.  If all of his friends are of women in scantily clad clothing, he’s a wolf gathering his sheep.  

7.       And lastly, if the picture is of an unbelievably attractive male or female, and they are showing non-stop interest in you, PLEASE, this one time situation only, DO NOT talk yourself into believing you’re all that and what you’ve written in YOUR profile has moved someone to this point.  This is surely a scam!  And you will be out of your money in no time!!

     Well, that’s it for this tip topic for now.  I’m sure there are many other “clues” you can find in profiles, these are just a few that stands out.  You just have to keep your eyes open and use your head!  If your intuition speaks, LISTEN!  All shiny things aren’t gold!!  

     Next tip topic…”How to Spot the Married Folks”!  Toodles!

Navigating Online Dating (Mini-series, episode 1)

     I was going to wait a little more before starting this “series” on online dating but while browsing the internet, I ran across a letter written by a 50+ year old male, asking about delaying his pursuit of dating due to an overwhelming “like” of an elusive online stranger.  That’s when I knew this information may come in handy NOW and save a lot of y’all from easy mistakes made by the online dating newbie.  

     This won’t be a book, per se, but it will be pointers on what to do, write, watch out for, etc…  There will be no order of importance, but I feel each point is something to seriously think about before venturing into the virtual world of dating.  And as mentioned up there ^^^, these will be sporadic, think of them as a mini-series of thoughts.  I hope this helps!  Here we go:

     With the world suddenly expanding by the use of technology, we are now able to meet instantly, someone across town, across state, across country; online dating was a natural next step to meeting and finding new relationships.  One of the positives of online dating is, with long commutes and the hesitation of “dating where you work”, this is a way to meet folks who you wouldn’t normally run into on your day-to-day dealings.  We don’t all like clubs and bars, and grocery store meetings are very unlikely…not saying it doesn’t happen, but when was the last time you were able to carry on a conversation that led to the exchange of phone numbers?  Uh huh…yeah.  

     Ok, so don’t look at it as “naughty” or something to be kept a secret.  Online dating no longer holds the stigma of yesteryear.  And yes, the same folks you’d meet at the club, bar and grocery store are the same people you’d find online; there isn’t a split of species when it comes to who’s online. …the same everyday folks (and crazies!) out there in the real world, are the same ones online.   The main difference is you’re not afforded the opportunity to use the physical presence as a guide.  

     With that being said, the FIRST tip for online dating is this….when it comes to posting pictures of themselves online, some people exaggerate.  And misrepresent.  And downright lie sometimes.   So take notes….  

1.       If every picture on a person’s profile is only showing them from far away, or not quite in focus, this person is probably unattractive, even to him/herself.

2.       If every picture is a face shot, this person probably has a weight problem…or some other disfiguring body issue.

3.       If the pictures seem to have a dated look to them, these folks have decided they looked better 10-20 (30?) years ago, and used THOSE pictures instead of showing their current situation.

4.       If all the pictures are group pictures, the person is using his/her good looking guy / girlfriends as bait.

5.       Multiple ass, boobs, and penis shots, multiple shirtless poses, naked in any fashion,  suggestive tongue shots, suggestive ANY shots, this person is insecure, may have self-esteem issues, or/and are only out for sexual relationships.

6.       If there is no picture, it’s either a scam, an unclever unattractive person, or he/she is married or in a relationship and is using online sites to creep on unsuspecting victims.

      There may be other tell-tale signs in the pictures, but these are the ones that are most common.  Ok, that's it for now but stay tuned...Episode 2 will cover “What their Profile is REALLY saying!!”. 

Belief Bullying ...yeah, I said it!

       Why does one group of people have to give up their rights in order for another group of people to have theirs, when neither “right” affects or harms the other?  (*Sidenote:  Please remember this sentence when reading the rest of this..”when neither “right” affects or harms the other”)  When did it become so difficult for me to go East just because you want to go West?  This makes absolutely no sense to me.  Some years ago, something similar happened, when the rights of one set of people overrode the rights of another set.  It was when prayer was taken out of schools because it offended a percentage of folks.  Even then my question was, why can’t I pray and for the ones it offends, they not?  WHY IS THAT SO FREAKIN’ HARD?

     To me it’s the same as saying, because I want to be a vegetarian, YOU can’t eat meat anymore!  It sounds silly but that’s exactly the way same sex marriage is going. That’s what this has turned into!!  Don’t get me wrong….anyone who knows me, knows I couldn’t give a flying face full of f*ck ,  uh, fig trees, about who marries who.  Heck, I question a lot of the male/female marriages!   But when did it become unlawful to believe in something different than you?  When did the world become “my way or the highway!”? 

     And then we have some ignorant folks (and yes, I say “ignorant” because I pray folks just don’t know and aren’t just stupid) that are trying to compare it with race relations by saying things like… “Well, a while ago, folks didn’t want interracial couples to be married.”, as if that makes the point! My response to those dumbasses would be, “Then YOU don’t marry someone of a different race! Let others marry who they want! “

PEOPLE…. WE CAN BOTH COEXIST!!!

I love you. Period.  As long as what you do doesn’t hurt, harm, or degrade someone/something else, in my book, it’s your thang. 

See, this goes both ways…  but the bottom line is this, DON’T STOP ME FROM BEING ME, JUST SO YOU CAN BE YOU!     

Your thoughts?

"Oh Lawd, only CRAZY folks are on Online Dating Sites!!" ...and other things that go "bump" in the night.

      I just read about the young female who, after meeting on an online dating site, lured an unsuspecting male to a location to be robbed and possibly killed.  The man faked death after being shot when the woman and her two male accomplices realized he didn’t have much to steal and left him for dead. 

    The main commentary that followed was “folks need to stay off of those online dating sites, crazy folks are on those things!”  Ok, so, my question is, where do y’all think the folks come from who are on the online dating sites?  Another planet?  No,  they are the same folks you meet when at the grocery stores, clubs, church, etc…heck, some are living in the same home YOU live in!! * Having participated in online dating, I know for a fact, there are MANY married men online, creeping.  But I won’t go into that right now but do stay tuned!  …lol…

      My point for this post is to say, there are crazy folks everywhere... online, at the store, at the gas station, etc..  Stop acting as if these online communities don’t exist outside of the virtual world.  Yeah, there is a larger pool of people in one space online therefore, there is more of a chance you will run into the “crazy ones” but I can guarantee you, 4 out of the 5 guys/girls you meet “out there” are online as well! 

     There are rules for online dating given the fact you are only seeing what a person wants you to see online.  *I will get back with those also!  And yes, you have the folks who post old or blurred pictures in an effort to deceive and their personal description of their personality may be a bit skewed from reality but, in my opinion, the trade-off of gaining a larger pool of potentials, may be worth the extra diligence required for this type of dating and meeting new people. 

     If online dating is not for you, great, don't use it.  Or if you have a weaker sense of discernment, has extremely low self-esteem, nope, don't even go on there.  But stop bashing the idea with the excuse of "crazy" folks being there because, trust me, they are everywhere! 

My questions to you:  1.  Have you ever tried online dating?  2.  What is your opinion on this concept of meeting folks for dating purposes?

The Need for More....and more...and more!

     Yeah, I’ve read all of the headlines about young women getting life disfiguring results due to negligently performed butt injections. I’d even read about some of these women losing their lives, trying to get the much-craved after "Big Booty". I’ve seen the pictures of what look like circus clown-like figures, with the disproportionate thigh-to-butt ratios. And these images aren’t of the girl-next-door. These images are coming from well- known, established stars!! I watched a Facebook video the other day of a young lady, walking down the street, with short shorts on and what looked like cushions from an old couch pillow, stuffed into her shorts, in an attempt to fake the fake! Has it really gotten that bad that we would stoop to even faking the fake!!???

     There are women who would rather risk their health because they are afraid to lose their butts in the process of losing weight. All of the ass shots and selfies are attempts at gaining the attention of strangers. What has really happened, that young, beautiful women, would risk their lives to get the attention of some random male or for a “like” on social media?? And with ALL of the pictures, which seems to be posted every hour on the hour, showcasing your behind, how many times has that actually gotten you a real man? A steady, man? Someone who is actually interested in more than just getting you to go to bed with him?  
 
     Do you know why the random, one-night-stands and "in-and-out" dudes pick you? Because your lack of self- esteem and self- confidence is blasted, like a neon sign upon your forehead, in every one of those selfies. Yeah, your make-up is on “fleek” as they say, and you have that big smile plastered on your face but beneath all of that, your insecurities show through like a beacon in a starless night. It’s bad enough the so-called music artists have fallen prey to this obsession but children look up to these women. Why? Because mom and/or daddy’s not there or isn’t strong enough to guide her/his daughters. I can go on for a minute about absent life figures but I’ll stop here for now.

    
     Ladies, YOU ARE ENOUGH!! You are beautiful and ENOUGH just the way God created you!  And don't get me wrong....there's nothing wrong with trying to enhance what you have, preferably naturally.  But when you do so at the risk of your life, it's gone too far!  And those fake booties aren't even cute!!  

     My questions to you are: 1. What other dangerous trends have you noticed our young falling prey to? 2. What do you feel the problem is? 3. What do you feel the solution is?
Please leave your comment(s) below!

So it begins! "Who are you and what brings you here??"

Hey! How y'all doing? Let me introduce myself... I'm JustTrena, I'm a woman (mother, sister, aunt, friend, etc..) living life in this crazy world of ours! My reason for starting this blog? To talk.....that's it. To share my thoughts, and hopefully hear from YOU in return. I want to share information, exchange ideas, and engage in the conversations some may find uncomfortable to have. The only "rule" of engagement is the attempt to voice your truth in a respectful manner. That's it! I've been thinking of starting this type of blog for a while now but what finally pushed me to start this NOW was the BET Awards 2015 that aired last night and the comments that arose from it. Did you watch? I didn't ...but I heard plenty. The main thing being the topic of "Butt shots" and other ways our girls/women today are lost. I know...I know you're saying, "Butt shots? Really JustTrena?" Yep, it's come down to having the need to discuss how the lack of attention and the things we'll do for it in this day and time, is affecting us. Now....let's get started!